If you like piña colada's and watching Children of Men...

Sorry for that but they can't all be zingers. So, I've been doing a lot of drinking from the well over at stevebrownetc where he talks about the scandalous freedom of God's grace and I think its starting to take. Exhibit A - Getting wonky with the wife (by that I mean buzzed...you perverts) midweek. I know that buzzing it up on a Wednesday night when work awaits in the morning would normally qualify me for the next AA meeting but in this case I think we can let it slide. My wife works nights at Outback and I work days schlepping parts for copy repair technicians so our paths seldom cross. When they do we also have two boys Elisha 2 1/2 and Phoenix 6 months to factor in to the equation. Needless to say it doesn't allow much time for frivolity.

So, last night Josalyne and I decided to eschew the standard operating procedures and manufacture an impromptu date night. She took off for the liquor store, I threw some Bubba Burgers on the skillet, we put the kids to bed at 8, and we curled up in bed with our Piña Colada's to watch Children of Men. It was marvelous.

This all goes back to grace because up until a few months ago a night like last night would not have happened. I grew up in an environment that was not legalistic to the point of Burkas and Beanies but it certainly wasn't Cheese and Wine Night with the Pastor either. I was not allowed to listen to any "secular" music which pretty much mean what I did listen to was either Stryper (I actually had to fight for that one) or Petra. I wasn't allowed to watch films that contained anything that would reveal how pagans lived or communicated or that were rated R. And so on and so forth. I'm certainly not trying to demonize my parents because they were just trying to protect me but it did have an impact that I still feel today. Looking back on their lives, my father passed at 50 due in large part to stress, I see how burnt out they were trying to tow the line. I've blisters on my own fingers from attempting the same.
Steve Brown describes in his Scandalous Freedom how some of us view God as a child abuser. He pushes us and tests us and punishes us when we fail and is never happy with our best. Throughout all of that there is a unifying thread that is woven; God is pissed and we're the reason. I've lived that for as long as I can remember and its been like a snake shedding its skin trying to get free. I can taste the new air of grace and I want to fill my lungs with it but those old habits are hard to shake and they press in on every side and constrict my chest. At times it literally feels as though I'm suffocating. Here is a good example; I struggle with an anxiety disorder that I presently don't take medication for. If I believe that Jesus really loves me and He is all powerful and He is capable of great miracles then I just need to stay un-medicated and pray harder right? Well, of course not but up until recently I didn't think so. That is the type of thinking that I am emerging from.
But God is not pissed at me and He actually likes and loves me. I can handle that and I can see more clearly in the light of that truth. Its not going to be easy or instantaneous making the transition in my thinking or how I live my life but I sense Him walking beside me now and encouraging me so I believe that I can do it. Pray with me and for me and rejoice that I was able to drink Piña Coladas and snog my wife in the middle of the week without feeling any guilt. If there is hope for this recovering legalist there's hope for everyone.